Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
