i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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