Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize