somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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