I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my phone needs a breathalizer
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
