so explain again why im purple
no
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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