and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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