they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
