So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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