I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
