there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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