This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
That's when you crack a 10am beer
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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