if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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