i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize