She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You left your phone here
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