my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
