a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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