Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How many fucks given?
0.12846
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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