She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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