I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
