The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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