allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
