my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
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