You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
