True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
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