Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
