I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
