I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
