I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
