the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Im part way to drunk.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
