That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
