I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Sext me about skeletons
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
