she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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