come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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