I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
