Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
