i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
