I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
