so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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