pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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