Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Someone shattered a urinal.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
