What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Can you bring me the toilet please
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
