I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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