I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
