btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
