So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
