it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
