So drunk its hurt
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
