Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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