ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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