so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
