It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
