update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
