Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize