Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
