that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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