:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
