So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
