Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
