Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
