I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
