She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
