You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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