I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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