I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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